#WorldMentalHealthDay

I wish the trauma and heartbreak could be taken away in just one day. If you know me, you know that I struggle with anxiety, depression and self-directed anger & self-harm. I struggle with an addiction to people and severe abandonment issues.

My whole life, all I wanted was for my mother to keep a promise. She would make plans and promises that made my young heart swoon. And time and time again they were broken. I would wait for hours staring out the window hoping to see a car in the driveway. When I’d hear a car drive by I would run to the window, because it had to be her. But then the cars would continue to drive on. And the whole day had gone by, but she never came.

This happened an excruciating number of times, but it didn’t matter to me. I never stopped hoping that one day she would show up. Because she told me that she loved me.

And I know that she loved me. But the high was a chase. And it was never me she was running towards.

Without even realizing, I began to condition myself to accept this type of “love” from others. The kind of people who promise you the future and whole world, but never actually show up. No matter how much of yourself you give. No matter how much of your life you are willing to waste, because you think that one day they are going to follow through. Because they love you right? Because they have made you a promise, right? Words are so powerful but they are just thrown around.

When I was a teenager I was molested. I’ve never come forward and I don’t have plans to. Some pain is better to forget than to relive.

When I was 18 I lost my mom. The pain of losing someone, whom your soul has been FOREVER aching to know, is tragic. I have been physically abused, verbally assaulted, and mentally tortured. From people in my life who say they “love” me. The toxicity has seeped into my bones and taken away the light.

Until I change my thinking, I will always recycle my experiences.

Everyday for me, is a struggle. Somedays you can’t eat, some days you don’t leave bed. Other days, you leave the bed but can’t pick yourself up off the floor because the wailing and the pain makes you feel weak. But each day you have to tell yourself that you are strong enough to get through. Each day you MUST tell yourself that you love yourself because you have to keep going. Every day is a fight.The feeling of wanting to fight for yourself and not fight yourself is such a blessing.

And when you wake up and life doesn’t feel so hard, you revel in it. You hold on to the hope that someday the light will outshine the darkness.

I thank my angels on earth who have guided me when life decided to bury me.